The Future of Humanity: Coffee Colored Giants

Recently the television network Bravo commissioned Dr. Oliver Curry to predict the evolutionary changes in humanity over the next 1000, 10,000, and 100,000 years. You can read more about it here and here. After reading through his findings it makes me wonder, how do I get on the list to be commissioned for lame studies?

Anyway, it is kind of funny, so I’ll elaborate. In 1000 years time, according to Curry, we will all be taller, as tall as 7 feet on average, more attractive, and “coffee colored” as we will have lost all aspects of distinctive races through interbreeding. I guess the modeling industry will have no short supply of eligible candidates, but I do feel sorry for the beauty products industry because women will apparently all already have glossy hair and smooth skin.

By the year 12,000 we will all have lost almost all our ability to socialize or communicate well because of technology. Emotions such as love, sympathy, and trust will all cease to exist. This in turn will lead to the collapse of the greeting card industry, and the end to made up holidays. No wonder we don’t socialize anymore. Also the flower shops will suffer: “Sure, I’d have bought you flowers, honey, but the thing is, love doesn’t exist as an emotion anymore, so, sorry!” Oh, and we’ll also have receding chins because processed foods will require less chewing. Less chewing…I guess the future is looking brighter after all.

Finally, 100,000 years from now, we will have developed into two distinctly different sub species. According to the BBC article: “The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the ‘underclass’ humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.” All I can say is that I’m looking forward to the movie about the goblin revolt in the year 104,562. I’m sure it will win Best Picture at the Intergalactic Academy Awards, unless the academy votes for the remake of “Titanic”. Man, wouldn’t that be a shame. The Goblin community could really use the boost.